The truth is that most marriages are already heading toward troubled waters from the beginning, often even before the marriage vows are taken. It is not just my opinion (I never rely on mere “opinions”, not even my own). I learned this about 10 years ago when we opened a booth at the annual bridal fair event in Del Mar California, trying to boost interest in our premarital courses because it is far better for couples who learn how to operate and live their marriages before they get married, a lot of suffering is avoided. We spoke with vendors for flowers, catering, tuxedos and so forth and all of them told us that over 70% of the couples they met with were already living in a war zone long before they got married, while planning their wedding. It is ironic but couples who you would think would be in their love-bird phase fought over trivial things and treated each other badly, even in front of vendors. There is no doubt that it is due to a societal lack of useful marriage education, and I stress “useful,” because the truth is most of us learn about marriage from TV sitcoms, movies, and social media, not exactly founts of wisdom. So, these guidelines will most definitely help you when you stick to them. Although I cannot turn a marriage around with just an article my list of 5 ways to be a better spouse and improve your marriage will at least define us at TMF as a “best source” for marriage help so you can use our marriage teachings with confidence (we have a great record of accomplishment). These 5 ways to be a better spouse and improve your marriage will help you, for sure! When you are looking for even deeper and more marriage help, such as a useful marriage help book or for a marriage help course, you will now know where to come.
I want to stress from the outset that you do not need couples counseling or therapy. Do not get me wrong. I do not disparage psychologists. They are good people who try to help. But as wonderful people as they are they are ill-trained for marriage help. That is why we are training as many marriage counselors as we can to our approach. (Would you like to become a TMF Marriage Counselor? Click here. You could be a practicing TMF Marriage counselor). What will help you, no matter how long it has been since you felt marital bliss, is clear and revealing marriage science. In this article I will detail 5 Ways to Be a Better Spouse and Improve Your Marriage. These are practical marriage-help tips, tried and true. All are based on science, spirituality, and common sense. (Marriage is a spiritual union but does not require us to be part of a religion).
After reading this article I hope you will visit us at our YouTube channel to watch my videos. I have over 74000 subscribers already. I will show you how to reconstruct your relationship so you can turn your marriage into the love and joy fest it is meant to be.
You can also write to us at Support@TheMarriageFoundation.org. Let us know if this article was helpful and how. Okay, now take a deep breath, fasten your seat belt, exhale, and relax, and be ready to learn the most important marriage help guidance you have ever heard.
5 Ways to Be a Better Spouse and Improve Your Marriage
- 1. Use your free will to choose happiness and love.We all think of ourselves as guided by our freewill, but the reality is vastly different. If you were to watch your thoughts for as little as 5 minutes you would be amazed how habitual your first reactions are. That means your freewill is set aside because you just go along with those reactions. You will be further surprised to notice how many of your first reactions do not even align with some basic important principles that you know are right and might even fight for. Anger, for example, is not something you think of as okay to express except in extreme situations. Yet you will see how often your first reaction is an angry one. The point is most people neither review their thoughts and feelings, nor scrutinize them. The result of this common oversight is that our habitual reactions are controlling us, and so the degree of love and happiness in your marriage is lowered all because of habitual mental distractions.
From now on, use your free will to choose happiness and love. Marriages do not have their own minds, or free will, only you do. A happy life and marriage depend on your ‘considered’ input. Habitual reactions are usually destructive but at least not marriage building. So, every chance you have, which means make more chances (free will, remember) infuse your marriage with love and happiness. - 2. Keep yourself in a happy mood.
Most people who become psychologists start out with an idealistic notion, which happens to be true, that one can be happy all the time, we just need to learn how. Western psychology is not the way to happiness. The new apprentices were right to think happiness is a matter of choice but unfortunately the study of psychology went sideways and became a system of discovering issues and phobias instead of delving into the sources of happiness. The practitioners got “intoxicated” with the intellectual explanations of why people behave how they do and soon forgot their original thinking came from a deeply intuitive realization. You can be happy all the time when you choose to be happy. When you decide being happy is how you will feel then nothing and nobody can make you unhappy. Remember, freewill is real. It is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to each, and every one of us. Do not let your freewill sit on the shelf until you need to choose between pistachio or chocolate ice cream. Use it now and always to be happy. Your husband or wife prefers to be around a happy person! I just want to add that happiness and love are our birthright. We are souls, for God’s sake. Keep yourself in a happy mood, you will both be happier. - 3. Lock out the robbers of happiness.
Before you go to bed at night you routinely check the doors and windows to make sure they are locked to keep the robbers of your material possessions out of your house. Yet the greatest of all your possessions are not your jewelry or devices, even Steve Jobs knew that. It is happiness and love. Happiness is the one common goal of all human beings and love is the greatest, most universal, reliable provider of happiness. We are seeking “ultimate” happiness from our marriage even though we do not articulate that, and it is why we get married. All the other reasons fall under that vast umbrella of why we want to marry.
There are two main parts to consider; One part is doing things that will bring happiness into our lives, like marrying our soulmate. The other part is just as important, watching out for the destroyers of happiness and locking them out of our minds and lives.
The gang of three happiness stealers we must always be on the lookout for are:
Anger – Anger blocks love and thinking
Fear – Fear takes over one’s mind and consiousness
Suspicion – Suspicion blocks out loving trust
These 3 devils are the worst! As soon as they enter your mind, usually disguised behind cloaks of “concern” or “righteousness” it is impossible to experience either happiness, or love. They rob us of the higher experiences of marriage by distracting us and pulling us down into the mud. We are erroneously “taught” that these emotions are important, but they only distract us from our natural heart’s love derived from our sacred marriage. Never allow fear, suspicion, or anger to influence you. Lock out the robbers of happiness. Cast them out and return to love and joy. - 4. See only the good in your spouse.
They used to call this optimistic way of approaching life “Pollyanna” as a cynical criticism. But being positive and happy are what we all want. When you consider how amazing your soulmate is, instead of being drawn into criticism of them your marriage will be much better. Isn’t that only common sense? Your wife or husband is not perfect. Neither is the Mona Lisa, and neither are you (sorry 😊). But it is up to us to filter out the inner criticism and complaining which usually goes right to our mouth and then their ears. To enjoy our marriage to its fullest do not see the bad. Marriage, conceived of and designed by God, the Giver, is intended to provide incomparable happiness, love, and harmony. When you tie that opportunity to free will and the fact that God is a loving God, you can see the ‘set-up’ for undreamed of success. Rather than waste time with criticism or selfish expectations, find joy in expressing boundless love. It begins with rejecting thoughts that are other than loving and supportive. See only the good in your spouse.
The last of the 5 Ways to Be a Better Spouse and Improve Your Marriage is going to surprise you because it is a way to improve your life, not just your marriage.
5. Use the following prayer, often.
“Lord, I will reason, I will, and I will act, but guide thou my reason, will and activity to the right thing that I should do.”
Many years ago, I heard this prayer. It resonated. I already knew God does not need me to ask for anything, “He knows our needs,” He has a better idea of what I need than I ever will, so I just stopped asking Him for anything for myself except for more awareness of Him. Then, I heard this prayer, and it was “oh boy, this is perfect”
“Lord, I will reason, I will will, and I will act, but guide thou my reason, will and activity to the right thing that I should do.”
Next time you feel frustrated or unsure try this and open your heart. You will see. It is a perfect use of your freewill!
Here is a video I would like to share with you. Think of it as a little bonus. As you can see, in these marriage teachings I put the emphasis on positive thinking and doing. This approach is far from whimsical or theoretical. Before I was a marriage saver, I was a divorce mediator in San Diego. I had a lucrative practice ending marriages in “relative” harmony. I use the term relative because divorce is never the answer, and it brings such great pain to the lives of adults and children. Then in 2001 a client couple asked me to use my skills to help them save their marriage. It was nothing I ever did before, but I took on the challenge based on an inner prompting, and I have not looked back since. Discovering the truths about marriage has meant saving thousands of marriages and children over the past decades. It has been and remains fulfilling. We at The Marriage Foundation spread these teachings with our videos, articles, books, and courses, including marriage counselor training, we all feel like we are serving in for love.
God bless you and your family.