Imagine waking up in the morning and the first thought that pops into your mind is one of gratitude.
Imagine looking at your true love while a satisfied smile spreads across your face. Imagine the feeling of contentment sweeping over you, as you think about your children and the love you have for your family.
Remember that feeling of excitement when you realized your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to be your lifelong partner, to love you, support you, and raise a family with you?
Do you remember how much good you saw in your partner, and how you barely noticed their little flaws?
Do you remember how you would have long conversations, or just sit and hold each other?
You are still you and they are still the one you love. So, the question now is how you can create your dream marriage.
Isn’t that what you expected?
For things to get increasingly better?
What happened?
If you are going to take a closer look, the problem is that most people who ask what happened like to begin with the negative things. Let’s be honest, it is human nature to identify the bad and the troubling. It is a trait tied to our biological drive-to-survive. It is how we get out of trouble.
But, for marriage, we prefer a different approach, one that will bring you in the right direction, toward a joyful marriage. It is all about positive thinking, and making sure our thinking is going to support our best intentions.
Everyone knows the protective reasons for self-control
But there are pro-active positive reasons, too
The commonly known reasons for self-control are preventive measures we take that keep us out of trouble. It is what keeps you from running a light, even when there is no traffic for miles; just in case there might be a cop hiding close by. It’s what keeps you from saying what’s on your mind to the wrong person at the wrong time. But there is another form of self-control. In fact, it is a positive form, that I promote for anyone who is married.
The positive form of self-control is essential for marriage, otherwise your marriage will be like every any part of your life that is ‘random’. Your marriage does not have to be, and shouldn’t be, random. So, you can use positive self-control.
Focus on the good things. Perpetuate the good feelings, while ignoring the many little grievances in your mind.
How is this possible?
Because your attention is where you live your life. We say you need to:
- Open your heart
- Embrace your love
- Direct the love to your spouse and each family member
The way to do so is by choosing your thoughts, choosing your feelings, and choosing your actions; all with distinct intentions and pre-determined ideas.
But there’s one problem, feeling love is not always automatic
If you were sitting in a beautiful field, overlooking a majestic valley with the sun shining and a soft breeze playing in your hair, you might be moved, and experience wonderful thoughts and feelings. It is because you can see in all directions, so your primal mind is not stressed by what “could” be out there. In this case you do not need to control your mind, which is another way to say self-control. Your mind is working for you, and you can go with the flow.
But what happens in a situation where you do not have all the support for nice thoughts?
That’s when you kick in the positive self-control I talked about.
Our immediate environment prods us toward happiness, sadness, boredom, or excitement because of the mind/body relationship and the drive to survive ruling so much of what we do. But human beings can make their mind ignore instinct and focus on love. It is a free will choice.
Ultimately it is not outer conditions that are responsible for our feelings. Each of us has freewill, where the power over our lives resides. Once you think about it, it’s pretty obvious that we have great power that stems from our free will.
When you decide something will happen (as long as you avoid controlling others), you will make it happen. So, in order to promote happiness in your marriage, the first and most important place to impose your will is upon your own mind.
Thoughts and feelings come and go based upon habits. So, you can either change your habits, or you can change your thoughts and feelings as they occur. It’s not as hard as it looks. Try the following:
- Consciously watch the thoughts in your mind
- Consciously watch the feelings you feel
- Practice kicking out thoughts that are not beneficial
- Practice inviting in thoughts that are beneficial
A dream marriage is within your power
If you believe the TV programs, magazine articles, and desperate callers to the radio psychologists, you may think marriage is hard work, and fighting is natural. But it isn’t so. Our clients discover the power to take their marriage to the next level, and beyond, by learning about simple things they can do, and special techniques to do them. A happy marriage is, in my experience, no more difficult than developing the habit of brushing your teeth.
The truth is that a true dream marriage only requires knowledge of what it takes to make one. A dream marriage isn’t a fairy tale, but a practical application of marital knowledge. If you know how to do it (and it is easy to learn), you will have your dream marriage.