Do you have bad habits that can cause pain and conflicts in your marriage? I’m sure you believe you’ve tried everything. But to be the marriage builder that gets your marriage back on track, you need to replace some bad habits that are presently undermining your marriage and happiness. That is not so easy.
Take an objective look at the foundation of your marriage; as it is today. Do you see that it is the pesky habits that cause pain and conflicts that have to go? I’m talking about habits of saying and doing things that hurt each other.
Be realistic, building your marriage on a foundation of childish and selfish interactions won’t work. You need to take your mission seriously, so be honest with yourself. The foundation of your marriage is very important. Is your marriage founded on love and friendship? Or have the sands shifted? What habits of love remain as the bedrock? Those are the habits that need to be reinforced.
What positive habits serve as the foundation of your marriage?
All couples who have a great marriage have a number of positive habits, and mindsets, in common, and these are where to put your energies.
Some are irreplaceable pillars of a joy-filled marriage. You cannot do without them. All marriage builders must begin by making sure you put at least these in place, then take your time to perfect them.
- Always demonstrate respect for your husband or wife.
- Express appreciation to your spouse each and every day.
- Always take responsibility for your own happiness or unhappiness.
Some people make excuses for not sticking to the above common sense marital “commandments.” Does this sound like you? They imagine their spouse must prove themselves first, in order to earn their respect, appreciation, and so forth. That is not going to work; it never has because it is not a marriage friendly equation. That approach puts the onus on your spouse; whose actions and efforts you have no control over.
If you entertain any excuses for not putting forth the effort, you will never get to the place of being a good spouse, or having a happy marriage. Why? Because the human mind always looks out for faults, flaws, and infractions from others; it is tied to the biological drive-to-survive. You have to recognize the mind is not your best friend until you have brought it firmly under your control — and it literally fights being controlled; even by you, it’s owner.
To have a great marriage (or life), you will have to learn to control your mind, which any useful marriage course must include for you to study. Some people call it self-control. I call it controlling your own mind; whatever you want to call it. Without that you will never progress. In the course we offer there is great emphasis on this topic, and full blown instruction of my SEW technique. The SEW is not like adding some bells and whistles. For marriages that are not already heading in the right direction the SEW is essential.
Each of these points are based on reason. Let’s take a look.
First, demonstrating respect. Marriage is unlike other relationships. In every voluntary relationship, other than marriage, respect has to be earned on an ongoing basis. But marriage is based on the unique premise of exchanging unconditional love. Nobody has to earn anything. You love your spouse because you committed to them; that’s it.
Most people in a troubled marriage remember to expect unconditional love from their spouse, but they forget they have agreed to love their spouse unconditionally, too. See how the mind fools us. It makes us look after ourselves first, in marriage, where that is ultimately a non-starter, if not outright killer.
One very definite way to express unconditional love, you will see if you think about it, is by expressing respect.
Yes, this covers vast territory, but you can always turn the critical spotlight of your mind on your own attitudes, words, and actions. Put another way, if you are not passionately respectful, then you are not fulfilling this critical requirement, which you committed to, for a happy marriage.
Second, appreciate your spouse for who and what they are.
Here’s the scary part, your mind will trick you into condemning your spouse for every little thing if you allow it. There is no “balance” or “equality” that works with this, because once your mind starts criticizing, there is no stopping it. Your spouse deserves your loyalty, so don’t let your mind detract from that. Train your mind to appreciate them.
Third, always take responsibility for your own happiness and unhappiness. Outer conditions should not be the primary thing that makes you happy. Happiness that comes from outer conditions is temporary, and fleeting. Inner happiness, on the other hand, comes from 1) controlling the mind’s triggers and 2) from chipping away at your mind’s expectations, so you can feel the natural state of peace and happiness that is always within you.
This concept should be taught in every home and school, but it is not. The people who learn it are almost always happy, while everyone else is on a perpetual roller coaster, moving from one thrill to another, one drama to another, and escaping one discomfort after another.
Marriage is between soulmates. But if you do not understand marriage, you will soon become cellmates.
The truth is you don’t need therapy or counseling, except in very rare cases. And you will not be headed for a divorce if you learn how to be the best marriage builder on Earth. You have the power. All you need is the education: marriage education.
The idea of marriage education is not a good idea unless you get knowledge and direction that is based in scientific and universal principles. It is not useful to learn what you should and shouldn’t do merely because of dogma, or personal experiences. You need to know how to derive happiness from marriage scientificcally; not be “scolded” into to doing what is unnatural.
I have discovered real key principles to marital happiness, and teach them. That is what you should learn; how to be happily married.
Many years ago a man came to me because he was so frustrated that his wife was progressing into an angelic wife, which made him feel awkward; that he was cranky in comparison. In our first meeting I was very harsh with him, challenging his rudeness and selfishness towards his “angelic” wife. On his second visit he complained about my harshness. Why then? I asked him, did you come back? “Because you are right, he said. “And as much as I hate to admit it your ways always work.”
Shift your point of view, I tell people. Become selfless. But don’t shift because I tell you to. Learn what I learned, so you, too, can see with your own logic that being selfless is the best way to get the love you seek. It does not matter if your spouse is still selfish, set the example, and they will come around.
The biggest marriage changer in our courses (they are gender specific) is the SEW technique. You would not believe the emails we get, how this technique has changed so many lives for the better. But the technique without the understanding of how and why it works is nearly useless. One must learn the underlying science in order to truly grasp it. Then one can exercise the techniques effectively.
I wish there was a better word than commandments for people to hear. The word commandment speaks of a supreme boss, more than an intelligent loving ‘order’ of things, which are definitive and reliable. I think people would be less antagonistic towards religion if things were worded differently, or if there weren’t people who use religion to have power over others… but I digress.
The three points I make in the beginning are only a few, but they will help you if you strive to move in that direction. So, remember
- Always demonstrate respect for your husband or wife.
- Express appreciation to your spouse each and every day.
- Always take responsibility for your own happiness or unhappiness.
You can do it! The possibilities for happiness in your marriage are endless and wonderful. But most people do not know the simple things that upset the apple cart of happiness.
You don’t have to settle in your marriage. Marriage is amazing! And the happiness within marriage is well within your reach.