It seems like it was a million years ago that I was a practicing divorce mediator in San Diego. To this day it sometimes pains me that I helped people separate. But, like most of us, I didn’t know how difficult divorce makes the lives of all involved, nor did I know saving marriages was possible. Had I only known then what I know now! Honestly, we hear that a lot from people who take our marriage help courses and finally regain true marital happiness. I totally relate to the “If only I had known” comment. From our reviews
“I learned many secrets. I was able to have peace inside and have hope for our marriage, despite how he treats me. Now, our marriage has changed. He is a totally different man. He is awesome. After 3 decades of suffering, I would never expect this miracle…….and it keeps getting better. How constantly thankful I am for TMF.”
My discoveries about marriage changed everything for me and for thousands who came later. We now see marriage for the wonderful union it is meant to be and how it delivers undreamed of happiness and love. When we know how to operate marriage it’s incredible. With our unique guiding insights everyone can achieve a marriage that is beyond anything we could imagine.
My time as a mediator was not for naught. Those experiences helped me become more compassionate and understanding. It honed my communication skills, there is nothing better than on-the-job training. I was a different kind of mediator than the ones who work in the courts. Those rush you through because their sole function is to make decisions for couples, not actually mediate. They do a quick analysis before the couple goes to the judge who tells them what they “agreed to.” As a more involved professional I saw my job was to build bridges of trust and understanding for couples who were getting divorced, not easy. They were already stressed enough. I did what was needed to relieve pressure so they could move on.
Back then the trend was to blame communication problems for all that ailed troubled marriages; meanness was rare. The western psych community hadn’t yet come up with all the current psychobabbles and excuses for marriage counseling failures. Most couples accepted that they just wanted to part.
They called it irreconcilable differences. Of course, there are bitter people out there and always will be, but most husbands and wives didn’t feel the need to blame each other or call each other narcissists and the like. They just wanted relief.
From Divorce Mediation to Saving Marriages
When a couple with kids asked me, a communication expert, to save their marriage in 2001, I assumed that teaching them how to fix communication problems in their marriage would be a good place to start. It wasn’t bad but TMF has come a long way since then. For almost 25 years I have been learning, practicing, and teaching marriage the way it should be taught. So, in this article I’m going to get you to start thinking in ways that maybe you have never thought of because, (and you already know this if you have been watching my marriage help videos on YouTube), I discovered some very deep and interesting things about marriage. Marriage truths that are so positive and constructive that you are going to start seeing your marriage very differently. 
I recognized just how uniquely different marriage is from anything else in life, in ways I never heard of before. Marriage’s purposes, goals and expectations are truly glorious and, may I add, extraordinary, extraordinarily beautiful. So, it makes perfect sense that to have a great marriage, and we all can have that, it is going to take a lot more than knowing how to communicate. Sure, we can address some of the core problems and I go into what I specify as “marital” communication in my books and courses. But my point is I want you to think in terms of “amazing” for what you should have in your marriage, not just learning to communicate better to avoid the tensions and arguments but to make communication a bridge between you as souls. To begin with, I want you to think back to when you first met your soulmate. I want you to recall how your and their communication was not as important as the love you were building. The lesson is that it all boils down to what you are focused on. Is it “something”? Or is it your love for them? For this timely topic “how to fix communication problems in marriage”, we will make changing your own focus the big “FIX” that you are looking for!
Focus on Marital Love
Keep reading because this will change your marriage. When we think about communication most of us think about what we say and what they say, then what you say, and so on. Isn’t it true? It is mundane, almost lifeless, because we think of communication schematically. We say something, they say something, add a look, or a gesture, and there you have it. If you are like most couples who have not learned what you will learn in this article, you are soon in a heated argument or just walking away. Both of you are discombobulated and fuming because what you thought might be a simple discussion spiraled out of control and bam, you’re disconnected and unhappy; not good! The reason for this isn’t that one of you is unreasonable, stupid, stubborn, or missing the point. It isn’t because of a different opinion of what is right or wrong. It isn’t even a lack of communication skills, not really. It is purely because of your focus. Again, think back to when you first met and were starting to fall for each other, not necessarily love yet, but getting there. You were intent on two things.
Firstly, you didn’t want to look like an ass, and the other focus you had was
Secondly, to not see them as an ass.
Yes, they had flaws, and still do. Yes, you had flaws and still do. But both of your focuses were on building a relationship that you wanted to have that would be filled with happiness, love, and harmony.
Now, let’s fast forward to when you married them. Do you remember what you said at the altar? Do you remember saying “I will love you forever with all my heart, mind, and soul?” Those vows were a promise to them that you would love them unconditionally, otherwise known as marital love. And I will emphasize, whether you think you agree or not, the very purpose of marriage is to LEARN to love unconditionally. This is both deep, and true. When you have love for your soulmate foremost in your mind, like you did when you were courting, before you open your mouth, whether you are the initiator of a conversation, or the one spoken to, your focus will be positive, receptive, open, understanding, and supportive. Do you get it? I am illustrating by your own experiences that when your head is in the right place the most marriage-friendly ways to communicate will spring from the common place of marital love and it will be perfectly natural. You won’t have to think if what you are going to say is good or bad. Let me offer another way to understand this. A dog communicates by barking or wagging its tail or growling. It doesn’t have to think, it is a dog and does what dogs do and communicates like a dog, every time. When you are feeling overwhelming love for your soulmate you smile, speak endearingly, and lovingly touch because that is what in-love people do. You don’t have to think about it. Pretty cool? Yes, it is about you controlling your inner self and then your outer self is sincere, honest, clear, and most importantly, loving. I think it’s cool, too. Why not learn what to say and do by learning to be a soulmate who communicates perfectly, naturally, and flawlessly just by being who you promised to be in the first place.
Let’s Summarize
It is simple. When you are being the soulmate who promised to love, honor, and cherish, you don’t have to think through what you will say or how you will say it. So, how to fix communication problems in marriage or how to eliminate communication problems entirely, is to be the soulmate you promised to be.
Would you like to see one of my videos on this topic? Press Play below: