A reader writes:
Dear TMF,
My husband and I have been married for almost six years. Even though I still love him, I am frustrated because I am sure he doesn’t have any idea about who I am. My husband does not understand me. It’s not that he isn’t nice to me, but I can tell he doesn’t get me.
I want the kind of love and connection we had, when we first started going together. He would look at me with desire, like I was a mystery he wanted to unravel.
Now, I think he just wants me to be around, and to have sex (which he is good at). But he is never really with me, if you know what I mean.
I was hoping you could help because I don’t know how long I can take this.
By the way, I’m still an attractive woman. I get lots of looks, and even suggestions from people I meet at work.
I know you harp on getting marriage education, but maybe I need some therapy or a new marriage lol. – Lori
Our Answer:
Dear Lori,
Women are much more connected to their heart than men. It is the heart that emanates love and connection.
Naturally, people imagine that everyone experiences things the same; but it is not true. Men think more logically, and women feel more.
The connection you seek, which is what marriage is fundamentally about, is right there; but you need to know how to get at it. Then guide your husband’s heart to this treasure.
(I write these articles for people who wish to recapture and build love in their marriage. I live by the saying from Gandhi; “hate the sin, not the sinner”, so I don’t have to trash or condemn anyone- that does not mean I cannot see their flaws and errors. But My focus is to show you how to make your marriage as extraordinary as humanly possible… A great marriage does not have problems!
Your complaint reminds me of a story about a young disciple who asked his master where was God? The master smiled, “I am thirsty said the fish”. It is not that there is no love in your marriage; you just need to know how to connect with it.
Men are not as connected, and so they are, in that way, less fortunate; until they meet their wife. Then they tap into the love, through their wife’s heart; it’s true.
But in our society we have become so accustomed to hearing that sex and intimacy are pretty much the same. So we don’t know how to get at it…as you well know!
Unless people have trained their minds in various ways, they have no idea. That’s why I push the need for marriage education so much; to help couples see what is right there in front of us.
Even in your marriage, education is exactly what is needed.
There are only two ways I know of that gives you the education you really need. You can read one of my books, which are not enough for marriages in serious trouble (yours is not in serious trouble). But, in case you are leaving some things out, I have something for marriages that are in real trouble, too.
Either Lessons For A Happy Marriage, which is very easy reading (even though it has all the depth you will ever need), but is not very technical, or Breaking The Cycle, which is quite technical, and could be called a marriage manual; are great options for you.
Because Breaking The Cycle is in book stores all over the country, and is promoted by couples counselors (even though I recommend against couples counseling), it sells better. But both are excellent guides for your marriage as a whole.
If you are not telling me something, and your marriage is absolutely collapsing, you need to go all the way to our online courses.
Only the one who is complaining should start the course for themselves (there are two; one for women, and one for men). But half our sales are to couples, who both take their course. Either way is okay. You can use this link to look at what all comes with the courses.
Feminine minds interpret what we “feel,” then try to put it into words or expressions. But the feeling women experience from their hearts, is rarely felt by masculine men. They are more connected to mental constructs of the mind, not love-saturated concepts of the heart.
As a point of fact, men generally rely on their wife to be a window into the world women see all the time. Especially during sex, when women “feel,” husbands become temporarily absorbed in their love. So, it’s a good thing you enjoy your sexual intimacy. During your wonderful sex, when it is less “monkey sex” and more connected sex, tell your husband how your heart feels, and ask him if he feels it in his heart, too. That will gently guide him in the right direction.
I’m also sensing you bought into some of the propaganda spread by masculine feminists who have lost touch with themselves. They misguide women to ignore the natural overall marital relationship. Your husband is probably fine, but your expectations are lowering your husband’s value, which is self-defeating. A man is only capable of initiating so much in the connection department. But he will respond.
All you need is right at home. Men at the office are being men; and not very respectful. What kind of man hits on, or flirts with, a married woman?! Those are immature guys.
Your husband will see you according to how you are with him. You are the leader in the heart and connection part of your marriage. The more you open up to him, and the more you express your love in ever more creative ways, the more he will naturally reciprocate.
Try this to: Prepare yourself to overwhelm him with expressed love. Treat him to a surprise, but do it soon. Put in the effort to dress up with a pretty dress, and smile at him the way you used to. Pretend it’s a date if that helps. Be attentive, listen adoringly, and let him know he is the greatest man you’ve ever met.
The old spark will flare up again. He will look at you with desire and love.
You are a great wife, and you have a great husband. You also have all the power you need to make your marriage grow.
And, don’t make light of the education we push. We do so because those of us who understand marriage live in a world of love; like every day is Christmas morning. You can learn to have what we have Breaking The Cycle or our Marriage Help Program.
I can’t wait to read your testimonial! :)