5 Tips for Marriage Harmony

by Paul Friedman
The Path to Lasting Marital Bliss

Naturally, the path to lasting marital bliss: unveiling the five essential pillars of harmony is an intriguing topic. In the world today the idea of just having a good marriage seems so out of reach. Most couples are pretty happy to just get through the day without a fight. But don’t worry about others. Don’t let the experiences of the majority scare you out of the idea that marital bliss is not only possible but something you can count on when you know how. Let’s dig in. I know from experience, not just theory. I have seen many marriages that were heading in the wrong direction turn it around. I am living it, and we teach others how to achieve marital bliss through our marriage help courses. We have been helping marriages that are in trouble for nearly a quarter of a century with our courses that help decent marriages, or failing marriages for that matter, become amazing. We have free Yutube videos, articles, and books. In this article I’ll share five essential pillars of harmony, important because to begin with there are 3 bottom line reasonable expectations that we all have for our marriage, and harmony is number three among the equals.

  • HappinessMarriage is all about love and happiness. We fall in love with our soulmates and then want to marry them. But why? The simple truth is we know intuitively that together we will be happier than without them. Being in love and together will bring us happiness. It is all about love and happiness.
  • LoveThe love we are talking about is not the elusive kind I would call “emotional” love which can be thought of as increased “like” or sexual attraction. That kind of “love” is a mere shadow of the love we crave, heart’s love or soul love. Outer occurrences, like getting something we crave certainly make us happy for a time, but it’s only fleeting happiness. Emotions are of the mind, based on circumstances, outer conditions, and how we see things in the moment. Real Love, with a capital L, is of our soul. It is impregnable and forever, and not so easy to find and experience in this chaotic world. We have all had a glimpse, like at a wedding or when we somehow felt it for our soulmate. It comes seemingly out of nowhere. It’s deep, fulfilling, and we want it all the time. Then there is
  • HarmonyHarmony
    Harmony in marriage comes naturally when the first two elements are cultivated and so are present. Living in the ‘love and happiness zone’ of marriage with our soulmate is the truest vision harmony. It is a vision of joy. So, because it is so important, let’s break harmony down into five essential components, or pillars.
#1 Self-awarenesSelf-awareness is not about how we appear to others. The physical us is not “us”. We are much deeper on the inside, beyond our body and especially our mind. We have a body, and we have a mind. They are not who you are, only possessions. Sure, it is important to keep the body healthy with the right foods, fresh air and water, and exercise. But it’s still just our body. It is also important to keep the mind sharp and under our control with right disciplines and no recreational drugs or alcohol. But what we really are and what counts is what people see who “know” us after some time, the personality that springs from our heart, our soul. Our behaviors define our character. Are we easy to get along with? Kind? Sympathetic? Do we really care or are we short with others, self-centered and judgmental? Because we are not taught to look in the “mirror” of self-reflection or monitor our reactions we become stagnant and dreary or offensive. But when we finally take the time to make the effort to see and hear ourselves the way that others see and hear us, we are often shocked. Most people never think about how others see us or even care how others got to be how they are. Most people kind of walk through their lives as victims or winners, depending on the day. The benefit of self-awareness is that it leads to regulating our behaviors, our speech and our thoughts; all important aspects of what we are and how harmonious we are within ourselves, and with others.  Taking a long hard look at ourselves for the purpose of adjusting is called dispassionate introspection. This may sound easy at first glance. Then think about how many resolutions you have made to change your behaviors. It is so difficult for the average person that modern psychology abandoned this idea.  However, I discovered a specific tool in 2001, called the SEW technique, to help us with this important task (full disclosure, I mean God brought my awareness to it). It’s included in the courses because although even the tool is difficult when people are desperate about saving their marriage, they will do what it takes. All the pillars are important, but it’s our experience (meaning all our TMF marriage counselors) that self-awareness is an element of marriage improvement we cannot do without if we want to improve the overall relationship we have with our partner.  In my own life dispassionate introspection has been a part of my routine since the 70’s. I try to never go to sleep without going over my day, evaluating my behaviors and how it impacted those around me. That introspection defines self-awareness. It gives one the opportunity to focus on things one needs to eliminate, like reactiveness, or add, like smiling more. I must add that eliminating bad habits is at least 90% of what most of us need to do to become more user friendly. Getting rid of anger, moodiness, and defensiveness are among the top killers of happiness. Many of those off-putting habits can be replaced with opposite positive behaviors and that’s an important part of the effort, moving the dark clouds out of the way of the sunshine that’s always there. For instance, I tended to be brash. To avoid that off-putting trait, I not only watched out for it but replaced the inclination with kindness.  I make self-awareness the first pillar of harmony because when you remember and adopt it you will see big changes, fast. People who behave selfishly, a destroyer of harmonious living, are rarely aware of themselves. They think they are fine and its others who need to change. So, when you start on your path of self-awareness you will be thinking less about yourself and more about your soulmate and how they feel. Which brings us to the second pillar of harmony. 

#2 Genuine caringGenuine caringEveryone thinks they care about their spouse, their soulmate, and when things hit the fan just about everyone is right there for the other. This is beautiful, isn’t it? I have seen couples who were on the verge of divorce and then some tragedy hit and the love that was hidden burst their hearts wide open. But why wait for disaster? To raise your level of caring to the point where it has real meaning is the daily mission of the wise. Your partner’s welfare, feelings, and life are just as important as the blood flowing through your veins. Caring is not always “natural” to us because of our biology and the drive for “self” that it imposes. But being proactively caring is going to create a nest of love.  

Caring is essential because it sends a constant message of love that cannot be expressed in mere words. It is, again, self-work that brings us to this harmonious state (let’s not forget that).  

I can recall times when my own buttons were pushed, and I had to introspectively remind myself of my love. It was always well worth it. Deciding to put him or her ahead of self is basic maturity but is easy to forget in crunch time.  

Like all things that are clearly noble the world around us is not going to provide inspiration at the time we need it. We must choose this path deliberately and stick to it no matter how triggered we are. The best is to see those triggers as temptations to lower ourselves. Cultivating caring means, you will refuse to go along with any reactiveness and focus instead on developing the habit of caring. Harmony is not just going to happen automatically. We must do what is necessary to cultivate our happiness and love. 

#3 Listening“Oh, yea, I’ve heard that one before” You already heard from every marriage and relationship expert that listening is an essential part of harmonious communication. We should “listen” to this sage practical advice to improve harmony.  

Unfortunately, the unspoken rule hanging out in our subconscious mind is that we should listen, or pretend to listen, just enough so that ‘they’ will “get it out”. Then we can ourselves speak the “truth” of the matter, which we firmly believe is irrefutable. It is true, isn’t it? That mentality is what most of us are up against in ourselves, and we need to gain control over our own mind to overcome this obstacle to harmony. Only a rare few have mastered themselves enough so that they listen with all their heart, not just their mind, so they can feel what their partner is really saying, really expressing. I know you know you can do this! Make it “thing” for you to work on. The effort you will have to make will pay off in big discernable ways. Developing the art of listening will change you, vibrationally.  

I have personal experience with this, too. I used to work on my books at Starbucks (I’m ADHD so the noise around me helped my focus). Because I was trained listener, people, total strangers, would come up to me with questions about their marriages. It was a little strange, but it happened so often that I got used to it, as did other Starbuck regulars.
It is important for you as a soulmate because you want to “feel” your spouse, so you can love them more, and more deeply. What is more harmonious than love?  

While listening it is a good idea to not take anything as if it is about you (even if they are reading you the riot act). Your behaviors may trigger them but it’s still about them and although you are not going to adjust for them, or fix them, or fix the world you want to feel their feelings with compassion and understanding. You are just going to listen. Do you hear me?

#4 SmilingYes! But not some plastered on smile that you practice in front of the mirror, though that’s better than a sour puss face. A sincere smile means that you are content, happy, and not concerned with the world’s junk dramas. You are in love, and it fills your heart to the bursting point and out comes the smile. That’s the kind of smile I’m talking about. 

In some cultures, a smile and even giggling is a way of building bridges even with those who are offensive, and you want to know something? It works. But don’t fake it. If you are not in the mood, then put yourself in the mood. You have free will and you can think, feel, speak, and act in any way you want just because you want to or because you know it’s the right way. Some people think they must reflect their inner consternation with this or that, but you don’t have to live that way. You can choose to live in happiness and love. Isn’t that a good idea? 

#5 AcceptanceAcceptanceOnce you found your soulmate, you became the luckiest woman or man in the world. You felt the love that was in your heart swell up and consume your life. That was in the beginning, and it was real. If they had any flaws and we all know they had a zillion flaws, you didn’t care because you were in love. Well? Why bother analyzing them, noting their flaws or what they can do to “improve”? Why not just accept them as your soulmate and not see them as having to fulfill some part of your mundane life?  Live for the joy of harmony, love, and happiness. 

The mind of every man, woman, and child, is unique and mostly reflects good. But we are on this earth because we belong here with the other “angels” (me being sarcastic) because we fit in. There is no need on any level, period, to point out their flaws, errors of thinking, or anything else that is not sweet and loving. If you redirect your mind to their qualities of love and connection you can bypass the mental nonsense that is a swamp, nothing but a swamp. 

The Path to Lasting Marital Bliss: Unveiling the Five Essential Pillars of Harmony has been a pleasure for me to write and share with you. Since discovering the true teachings of marriage and how blessed we are to have access to this treasure, this gift, I have been living what I learned and helping thousands have the kind of life that God wants us to have, one filled with joy and love, and harmony.

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