The potential created by striving for the benefits are why I would much rather contribute useful insights and tools so that you will have a happier and more loving marriage. Let’s acknowledge that nobody is perfect and that includes both your spouse and you. But we don’t need to point out any flaws. We can approach your communication practices with love and positives. Even the “don’ts” can be expressed with love instead of blame or accusations.
The power of loving communication extends well beyond and is significantly deeper than mere words. What is important is coming from your heart, not just saying words that are flowery. It’s what is behind the words that I am going to write about. Inner work is where to put your energy. I will go this route because you and your spouse are meant to connect and communicate on a much deeper and higher plane than when you interact with other people. The connection of marriage is unique, special, and so needs to be seen and treated that way. To get the most from your marriage it is more important to be loving on the inside first, so it manifests outwardly in the most genuine way. Being a woman or man who is truly in love while conversing with your soulmate is more important than following “rules” about what rolls off your tongue. Opening your heart is the key and it requires your attention, clear and constant intention, and some education because we are generally not taught that we have the ability and power to control the inner us. This topic is an important key to understanding marital happiness.
To make things more comprehensible and usable I’m going to list and explain 5 marriage communication mistakes (because we all want to know what we are doing wrong).
Then I’ll list and explain 5 marriage communication gems. I will list them as tips.
We will also discuss how to tie our words to our heart. Also, how to know when you are doing well with that.
The entity we call marriage stands above all other relationships as superior. This is not hyperbole, it’s factual and definable. As a married woman or man, you are incredibly blessed. Marriage stands alone with its innate potential for generating happiness and love. No other relationship can offer those. In all other relationships the needs, expectations, and potential are just day to day. The situations we find ourselves in daily only call for a “resolution” and that is dictated by your or “their” needs and typically there is immediacy. We want to have a resolution right away. When you communicate with someone at work, or confronted by a police person who pulls you over, there is a compelling goal. Sure, it is always better to be nice and pleasant, but you are not taking them home with you. They are only in your life because of a temporary situation. It is the situation that dictates how you communicate. Marriage, on the other hand, is a 24/7 365 day a year relationship that fills your life and is your life. You got married with unspoken expectations and desires for happiness, love, and harmony.
You got married for happiness, love, and harmony. That is why your communication should be based on love, be heartfelt, and used to create more and deeper happiness and love every day. Sweet harmony will follow quite naturally when you are infusing your marriage with happiness and love. Communication with your husband or wife, (or live-in partner) has a superior purpose. In any other communication you are expressing a need, a way to “get” something but marital communication should be used to fuel the constant happiness and love. Even when particular instances come up requiring mundane communication you can see those as an excuse for communicating, marriage style. When you need “something” remember what you primarily want, and need are happiness, love, and harmony. When you recognize your marriage as an engine of love and then employ your communication to achieve that end you will do much better.
The purpose of marriage is to learn to love, unconditionally so the “purpose” of communication with your soulmate, who you married for love, is to express love and happiness.
I coined the phrase “the sacred space of marriage” before writing my first book.
Marriage Isn’t a Psychological Union
A huge problem we are experiencing in the world is the missing education we need for marriage. We have all accepted Western psychological ideas that influence our marital expectations even though they have no connection to marriage. Marriage is a lifetime of giving and receiving happiness and love, not a psychological union. It is a union of hearts. Everything changes when you live for happiness and love in your marriage. Love is purely spiritual. We are not taught this deep yet obvious truth. I doubt that I would have ever thought about this reality myself if not for fate. Until 2001 I was divorce mediator in San Diego. My clients came from psychologists who failed their clients who went through couples counseling so naturally I was a fan of marriage counseling. I never suspected that my psychologist friends, good people all of them, were using flat earth science that had nothing to do with marriage. It never dawned on me until I began my deep dive into marriage and discovered the real truths and mechanics of marriage. My friends who practiced marriage counseling sent me clients because they failed to save marriages. It was, I learned, because of innate flaws in their approach. When I “saw the light” I started saving marriages (in 2001). While meeting with hundreds of couples and individuals who came to me with troubled marriages, I honed my discoveries into bullet proof methods and techniques that work close to 100% of the time (read our reviews). I wrote two books and then we put our marriage help courses online. I assure you that neither you nor your marriage should be exposed to western psychology practitioners. At The Marriage Foundation we save thousands of marriages every year and never label, blame, or dwell on errors. The communication in your marriage must be as specialized as your marriage. Marriage is the most important of all you will ever do.
Advice given by most marriage counselors is flat earth or pseudo-science. It isn’t the fault of traditional marriage counselors who give the bad advice. They are taught psychology and nothing useful for marriage. Their approach is that if something is broken first label it, then try to fix it. True marital science is based on logic. If you want to live in happiness, love, and harmony focus on the positive.
I promised you 5 communication mistakes that are oh so common. I am listing these as examples but there are so many.
5 Examples of Bad Advice (5 marriage communication mistakes)
- Talking About What is Wrong…DON’T take that advice!
Talking about what is wrong with your marriage is telling your spouse what is wrong with them; always.* It emphasizes negativity which pulls both of you into states of fear, resentment, and insecurity.
* It shifts your consciousness from love in your heart to mundane mind stuff.
* It opens a pandoras box of endless blame and competition.
* It sets up expectations, promises that cannot be met, and then disappointments.
* Terribly wastes precious time that should be used for expressing the heart’s love.Some marriage counselors routinely suggest couples take turns telling each other what they don’t like about each other. They add that you should use “I” statements, so it won’t “sound” like an attack. But it will sound like an attack because it is an attack. If you think I am exaggerating the danger you could do a test where you tell your spouse something about them that bothers you. But if you do such an experiment, be prepared for inevitable trouble.Any candid/truthful comment will be taken personally as an insult. How could it be taken otherwise? Secondly, telling them something about them that you don’t like is far from loving. The term “heartfelt” in the context of marriage means from the heart, meaning filled with love. It does not mean being sincere yet brutal.
In our marriage help courses you learn scientific way to stop non-marriage-friendly thoughts before they become words or thought trains and how to use that energy to open your heart and cultivate the heart’s love. Not saying what bothers you is one of the guardrail rules! BTW, there are so few exceptions to this rule that as I write I cannot think of any worth mentioning. Just because you think something doesn’t mean it has to be voiced.
Ask yourself if what you are about to say will make them happy. Will they feel your love for them? Always say something that fuels love and happiness, from your heart. Never say anything that is neutral or hurtful.
- Confront Your Cheating Husband – NEVER take this advice!Our TMF marriage counselors often hear from wives who blew this, and their husband then lied or blamed them. This YouTube video “My Husband is Micro Cheating” is one of hundreds of helpful videosThe immediate reaction to confrontation is that it always triggers the drive-to-survive, also known as biological self-preservation. Some demand the right to know, which seems reasonable, but it is irrelevant because it just does so much harm and does nothing good. Traditional marriage counselors who advise getting everything out in the open do not realize how many marriages they destroyed with that advice.Many of my clients were in the movie industry where infidelity is rampant. Many Hollywood elites consider themselves “sophisticated” but are fairly stupid when it comes to infidelity. Infidelity is a sticky problem with many facets. Talking about one’s disloyalty is a guaranteed way to take your marriage to the divorce courts. There are solutions, of course, and over 50% of our members come to us with this heart-wrenching problem, and we solve it well over 95% of the time. But NOT by talking about it.
- Do NOT Include Family and/or friends change to Talk to your friends or relatives – NEVER do that!Your marriage is the ultimate private life. You and your soulmate are compatible on a level that transcends likes and dislikes, based upon a soulmate connection that is unique in all the universe. I had clients who shared with their best friend or sister who then secretly moved right in. It is not even okay or necessary to share with a marriage counselor. We have an online marriage counselor training. I teach all to stop any client from talking about what is going on in their marriage. People came to improve their marriage, not vent.
- Don’t Complain About What Bothers You. This is a BIG “NO-NO” change to Tell Them What Bothers You – No, Never!How do you feel when someone complains to you or criticizes you? The term “constructive criticism” is an oxymoron. Remember your marriage is going to thrive on love. Marriage is the safest place for your spouse so as soon as you have a critical thought arise take charge and shift. Feel the love in your heart and swim in the joy it produces.
- Better to NEVER Compare Them change to Use Examples to Make Your Point Never Compare!Comparing your wife or husband to someone else is such a petty way to be mean and aggressive that it should be outlawed. Is it loving? NO!
Heartfelt – The Esoteric Meaning
You have a mind and a body. They are possessions of you the soul. This is the hierarchy of body, mind and soul. It is immeasurably significant when we discuss marriage and all the attributes of the soulmate relationship to recognize that you are a soul whose attributes are pure love, joy, consciousness, and wisdom. Recognition of what you are (soul) defines a power and responsibility to control the mind, its habits, emotions, and reactiveness. You the soul are who is bound to your soulmate. By learning how to identify yourself in this way you will live on a plane of ever-increasing happiness and unending ever-expanding love. When you identify yourself thus you can consciously tailor your communication to maintain your marriage on a plane above and un-interfered with by the mundane day-to-day challenges. You will live in constant joy.
And now the do’s
Top 5 Effective Marriage Communication Tips (5 marriage communication gems)
- Stop The Mind, Speak From Your HeartThere is a barely perceptible gap between a thought or feeling and your utterances. Take advantage of that time, increase it, and use it to physically feel your heart and then infuse anything you are about to say with love. In the courses, we offer a more extensive explanation with tools to achieve this game-changer. Until we consciously start to take control of the mind it is a servant of the body, not us the soul. Stopping the mind is the first step toward heartfelt utterances.
- Smile When You Sat ThatI discovered a truth that is barely known. Freewill means just that. When you tune yourself into your higher self you will be happy and nobody and nothing can make you unhappy. Keep in mind that a forced smile is not as good and can be misinterpreted but it is better than no smile at all. The answer is to learn how to control the mind. It sounds hard but it just requires the right tools.
- Practice the Presence of GodGod is Love and when we see ourselves as channels of His love, we can expand that love within ourselves and open the floodgates to envelop our partner even when they are not present physically. We are not here to correct, but support. We are not here to criticize but to complement. We are here to learn how to love without conditions. Reminding ourselves that it is a sin to withhold God’s love from His child (your spouse) opens doors and windows of light.
- Ignore Differences and Other DerailersIt’s the ego that wants to be right, not the soul. You the soul are ever-new joy and love. The only “right” as opposed to “wrong” is love. Love is God’s greatest gift, and the highest wisdom is love. When your spouse expresses a thought, you may think it is wrong remind yourself that the cost of arguing, even in your own mind, is the state of peace that comes with shifting the mind back to love.
- Use Sex to Express LoveThe mundane version of sex is recreational, for selfish release or stimulation which is beneath us as human beings. Rather than anticipating arousal or orgasm visualize the love being exchanged between your hearts. Make love making about love.
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Mankind has never needed true marriage teachings more than now. I had no idea what I was getting into when I agreed to help my first couple save their marriage rather than dissolve it. Now, nearly 25 years and thousands of saved marriages later I can see a day coming when The Marriage Foundation is recognized for its contributions to mankind. I have been and am blessed to have been a part of this, what can only be described as a movement. Feel free to connect with us and learn more. I and the other fine people of TMF are here to serve you.